i remember.
i remember trying to make silly deals with God. If I could run to the mailbox and back in 10 seconds my mom wouldn’t be sick anymore.
i remember hoping she would be better tomorrow.
i remember lining her prescriptions on the counter and having a notebook with dosages and times written out.
i remember being scared.
i remember trying to alter my reality in any way I could.
i remember trying to forget.
i remember trying to find love to make the pain of my reality go away.
i remember my regret.
i remember calling for oxygen tanks.
i remember calling 911.
i remember her vanilla milkshake cravings.
i remember my vanilla milkshake concoctions from random ingredients I found in the hospital cafeteria.
i remember the look on her face when she tasted them.
i remember watching her eyes light up.
i remember her smile.
i remember having hope.
i remember helping her out to sit in the sun.
i remember stroking her hair and kissing her forehead.
i remember going to visit her after school and bringing her curling iron to do her hair and finding her in icu. Dying.
i remember the sounds of the ventilator.
i remember the beeping. The fucking beeping.
i remember collapsing.
i remember the screaming inside my head.
i remember not wanting to be here without her.
i remember the indescribable pain.
i remember her hands.
i remember her telling me she was okay now.
i remember wishing I was.
i remember laughing with her in my dreams and then reliving her death all over again and the crushing reality of being alone again when I woke up.
i remember not wanting to ever sleep again.
i remember wanting to sleep forever so I could laugh and be with her in my dreamland.
i remember forcing myself to look strong.
i remember counting steps. One foot in front of the other.
i remember the fake smiles. The fake laughter.
i remember waking up every day yearning for someone I would never see again.
i remember crying myself to sleep. Quietly so no one would hear.
i remember.
i remember being so pissed off when people told me things happen for a reason.
i remember wondering if my mistakes were the reason.
i remember because every single day of my life I yearn for her.
Her laugh.
Her smile.
Her funny faces.
Her I’m-mom-and-I-mean-it look. Her voice.
Her touch.
Her embrace.
i remember her letters to me.
i remember what it sounded like when she said my name. What it felt like.
i remember trying to remember what it was like to have a mom to call.
i remember waiting for the pain to subside.
i remember knowing it never will.
i remember the quiet.
i remember the isolation.
i remember the looks of pity.
i remember hoping they would never know how this really feels.
i remember feeling guilty.
i remember pushing away.
i remember the heartbreak.
i remember I’ve lived more years without her than I ever had with her.
i remember I’ve cried for her longer than I ever laughed with her.
i remember to live each day as though it’s my last.
i remember to tell those I love how much I love them.
i remember to tell them how special they are to me.
i remember to forget the small things.
i remember that I don’t need to control everything. Because I don’t control anything.
i remember to laugh because thats what she wants.
i remember my mom was a fighter.
i remember to fight.
i remember that I can stand the pain. That I have to stand the pain.
i remember to make her proud.
i remember the blue of her eyes because I see them in my first born.
i remember her kind soul because I feel it in desperate moments.
i remember.
i remember her kindness.
i remember her unconditional love.
i remember that the brightest lights fade the quickest.
i remember our best friends pact.
i remember to treasure my days.
i remember to connect with my children.
i remember to give them all that I can. And then some more.
i remember to be authentic
i remember to be present.
i remember to be grateful.
i remember to cherish.
i remember to wake up and breathe.
i remember to remember with a smile.
i remember her I Love You’s
my wrist tattoo in white ink, in her handwriting from a letter she wrote to me.
i remember