i remember

i remember.

i remember trying to make silly deals with God. If I could run to the mailbox and back in 10 seconds my mom wouldn’t be sick anymore.

i remember hoping she would be better tomorrow.

i remember lining her prescriptions on the counter and having a notebook with dosages and times written out.

i remember being scared.

i remember trying to alter my reality in any way I could.

i remember trying to forget.

i remember trying to find love to make the pain of my reality go away.

i remember my regret.

i remember calling for oxygen tanks.

i remember calling 911.

i remember her vanilla milkshake cravings.

i remember my vanilla milkshake concoctions from random ingredients I found in the hospital cafeteria.

i remember the look on her face when she tasted them.

i remember watching her eyes light up.

i remember her smile.

i remember having hope.

i remember helping her out to sit in the sun.

i remember stroking her hair and kissing her forehead.

i remember going to visit her after school and bringing her curling iron to do her hair and finding her in icu. Dying.

i remember the sounds of the ventilator.

i remember the beeping. The fucking beeping.

i remember collapsing.

i remember the screaming inside my head.

i remember not wanting to be here without her.

i remember the indescribable pain.

i remember her hands.

i remember her telling me she was okay now.

i remember wishing I was.

i remember laughing with her in my dreams and then reliving her death all over again and the crushing reality of being alone again when I woke up.

i remember not wanting to ever sleep again.

i remember wanting to sleep forever so I could laugh and be with her in my dreamland.

i remember forcing myself to look strong.

i remember counting steps. One foot in front of the other.

i remember the fake smiles. The fake laughter.

i remember waking up every day yearning for someone I would never see again.

i remember crying myself to sleep. Quietly so no one would hear.

i remember.

i remember being so pissed off when people told me things happen for a reason.

i remember wondering if my mistakes were the reason.

i remember because every single day of my life I yearn for her.

Her laugh.
Her smile.
Her funny faces.
Her I’m-mom-and-I-mean-it look. Her voice.
Her touch.
Her embrace.

i remember her letters to me.

i remember what it sounded like when she said my name. What it felt like.

i remember trying to remember what it was like to have a mom to call.

i remember waiting for the pain to subside.

i remember knowing it never will.

i remember the quiet.

i remember the isolation.

i remember the looks of pity.

i remember hoping they would never know how this really feels.

i remember feeling guilty.

i remember pushing away.

i remember the heartbreak.

i remember I’ve lived more years without her than I ever had with her.

i remember I’ve cried for her longer than I ever laughed with her.

i remember to live each day as though it’s my last.

i remember to tell those I love how much I love them.

i remember to tell them how special they are to me.

i remember to forget the small things.

i remember that I don’t need to control everything. Because I don’t control anything.

i remember to laugh because thats what she wants.

i remember my mom was a fighter.

i remember to fight.

i remember that I can stand the pain. That I have to stand the pain.

i remember to make her proud.

i remember the blue of her eyes because I see them in my first born.

i remember her kind soul because I feel it in desperate moments.

i remember.

i remember her kindness.

i remember her unconditional love.

i remember that the brightest lights fade the quickest.

i remember our best friends pact.

i remember to treasure my days.

i remember to connect with my children.

i remember to give them all that I can. And then some more.

i remember to be authentic

i remember to be present.

i remember to be grateful.

i remember to cherish.

i remember to wake up and breathe.

i remember to remember with a smile.

i remember her I Love You’s

my wrist tattoo in white ink, in her handwriting from a letter she wrote to me.

i remember